The Great Post-Tour de France Migration

I am man. Hear me roar. Rather, hear me flick channels at midnight switching from P90X infomercials to the endless reruns of Shawshank Redemption, and Shark Week. I am gender bound to own the nicest television I can afford. Some ladies don’t understand the need of a high definition, plasma screened, 60+ inch wall mounted portal into the sporting world. But we men understand that watching Ryan Roberts, or Robby Gordon, or Andy Schleck on a device of this quality, actually helps him PLAY BETTER. It is my gendoric duty to aid and assist my sports heroes to the best of my ability, and purchase the best damn TV I can possibly afford to power up in order to allow these men to function. Otherwise, they would just stand around… in the dark… waiting for me to get a better TV. They would be lost…

I have a television that is so big, and crisp and clear, The guys on the ISS can see it from orbit.

So the Tour de France has been on for the last month. Being in the cycling world, these men are my heroes. Watching and cheering for Andy and Frank Schleck has been the center post of my universe.

Being a man of modest means, I only have one of these large TV’s and it is in my living room. I have another set, in my bedroom, yet it is much much smaller and not as high quality.

The Tour has been on the NBC owned cable channel called “Versus.” Most of the year this channel will play hunting and fishing shows and other odd sports shows. It is a smaller channel without a lot of major sponsorship. The Tour is a major event for this channel each year. In fact, Versus limits its programming for the entire month of the Tour de France to pretty much only the Tour. There is a live show in the morning, followed by an edited show of the same stage, followed by a “Prime Time” version of the same stage, hosted by a panel of experts who chat about what happens during that stage.

For the month, I am glued to the TV. Cycling is such my world. Watching the pros hammer away on all the best and newest equipment is complete and utter sports porn for me. I watch their gaits, cadence, choice of when to attack or hold… and the bikes… Dude, the bikes… “Lust” does not touch it. The Tour de France on Versus is just fantastic, and it is my thing.

Getting back to why I am writing…

Being glued to my big, cool, hi-def, ‘yo-mama’ TV for the past month, I have been living in my living room. The rest of my place still exists, yet it has sat, unused. I want to say here and now that when I bought this sofa, I made a mistake and should have bought the slightly longer one.

Tonight, cramped on my short sofa, in front of Gigantor – the TV, it dawned on me that I have one of the greatest mattresses ever conceived by humans laying, unused, in the other end of the house.

Tonight, for the first time in a month, I’ve migrated to the bedroom.


Besides, Bill Dance is no Fabian Cancellara.


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