external to internal and beyond…

Nat’s blog got me started:

Inside and outside. Left and right. Up and down. I understand the struggle with self, as we have blogged about here many times. Of late I have had the experience of coming to know my parents as adults and as an adult. My father is 71 this year, and has some pretty serious health issues. Like you, (Natalie) he suffers from scoliosis. However he also has an accelerated case of osteoporosis. We believe it happened or was made worse, because of a medicine he was on to control his epileptic seizures. Bla bla bla, live long enough and we all have issues, right? Real life is not like the movies where we go down in a blazing gunfight saving the orphans and nuns from the drug cartel… (But Sister Mary Elephant does still send me a fruit cake on the holidays…)

While Dad is my hero, Mom has always been the glue that held our family together. She is a powerful woman with a strong sense of right and wrong. She has enough raw gumption to force the world to bend to her will with a mere gesture or look.

Getting to know them as an adult, I have come to understand more of what love and relationships really can be about. The choice to share your life with someone is one of sacrifice and compromise but also rewarding on another level altogether. It is unconditionally allowing someone to know and understand who you are, but also allowing yourself to be changed and continually reformed by them. It is a give and take beyond my complete comprehension.

I have reflected on my own relationships and life choices with this and discovered that I have no regrets. Mom and Dad will have been together for 50 years shortly. While this is likely something I will never be able to achieve because I am now 41, but I have been able to see their relationship progress and form into what it is today. While they are my parents, they are also the longest and most intimate relationship I have known in my life.

Inside the last 5 years, I lost my two remaining grandparents, (my mother’s parents) Their relationship was abusive, codependent and just out and out bad. Granny was a saint and Charlie was a puss filled maggot from the ass of hell. (but that’s another story) Comparatively speaking, my parents are the model I seek out for relationships. My issue is I always end up with the swinging biker chic, drinking peyote tea, racing naked in the desert or some such foolishness.

For the last few years, my life story has been one of self discovery, self exploration and trying to figure out just where in this crazy world I fit in, and what I have ultimately discovered is that in the end, even if my family, and loved ones are standing around the bed, it is just gonna be me going away from here. I got here alone, and I will leave alone, but what matters most is how I can help the other people my life impacts, while I am here. Making a positive difference in someone else’s world is what Mom and Dad have shown me, time and time again. I am not ashamed to say that anytime I have asked for  advice, they have been right. Do good, be good, and don’t hang out with peyote drinking, naked, swinging biker chics in the desert, because they will break your heart and steal your wallet.

I have traveled and seen lots of the world I have wanted to see. I have kept my own hours and bought the things I wanted to own when I felt the time was right and kept no one’s council on my personal decisions. While I have followed the ebb and flow of society as it worked for me, I’ve never felt at odds bucking the system and dropping everything to chase my fancy. (Do people still say “chase my fancy?”)

“Life is short, taste the fruit” was my mantra.

Today, my heart longs for love. I have chosen to live the life of a gypsy and again I hold no regrets. However, today the idea of taking 20-30 years to explore a woman’s body, mind and spirit is appealing. Life shared sounds pretty cool. Maybe I am just getting old. Wanna go to the desert?


One Response to “external to internal and beyond…”

  1. I loved this post, for the record.

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