If your life was a TV show…

My buddy Natalie B. mentioned in her blog yestarday the idea of your life being a show. You can read Nat’s blog here. I took this idea and ran with it…

If your life were a show, what type of show would it be?

(Variety show)
Good evening America and the World! Iiiiiiiiiiit’s the Steven Williams Show! (Cheering)
Tonight Steve’s guests are:
ELLEN PAGE: to discuss her indie docudrama about Chuck Taylors effect on modern culture.
NATALIE BOLTON: fitness guru, actress and model to talk about her Emmy nomination for her portrayal of a body on Law and Order: Los Angeles!
Baaaaa bop-bop Baaaa, baaaaaa…. (Old TONIGHT SHOW theme)
(Curtain rises, Steve exits wearing dark gray Armani. Crowds cheering intensify)
Thank you! Thank you! It was sooo hot in Los Angeles today…
(Audience) HOW HOT WAS IT?!?!? (Laughter)
It was sooo hot that…

(Groovy 1970′s police show)
Black screen
Fade in on aerial view of San Francisco from bay low flying helicopter over Alcatraz island skimming inches above the cold bay water. In the distance a lone figure comes into focus, standing at the end of Pier 39. The shot zooms in closer and closer and at the last second Steve, dresses in blue jeans, white t shirt leather jacket and aviator sunglasses, turns dramatically to face the camera whipping off the aviator and raising one eyebrow.
“They say that cat Steve is a Baa-aad mutha-shut yo mouth!”

(Romantic Comedy)
I am a 41 year old single man who has never had kids and is not gay… do I really need to make a joke here? Is it not obvious what a joke my sex life really is? Don’t get me wrong, when it has been good, it has been EPIC. I mean I could write porn, but really? Dude. I always thought I would grow up, find the girl, fall in love, get married and have 2.5 kids in the suburbs with a mortgage and a dog named Sasha. Instead here I sit with healthy collection of passport stamps, old photos and a book of old lover’s phone numbers. I just know she’s out there somewhere…
(Enter former girlfriend Jennifer Aniston as love interest, who has just robbed a bank. Add Steve Buscemi and Chazz Palminteri as the FBI chasing her, and Tony Sirico and Vincent Pastore as the mobsters she owes money to, which is why she robbed the bank all chasing them across the US visiting such recognizable landmarks as Times Square, Washington Monument, St Luis Arch, Dallas Cowboys Stadium, Grand Canyon ending with a huge explosive shootout in the Kodak Theater during the Oscars. The bad guys are found out to be at the heart of the crime, and as the Oscar is announced for best actor of Pauly Shore’s remake of Citizen Kane, Steve and Jennifer find each other amid the chaos, and kiss passionately. Fade to black.)

(Science Fiction)
Battlestar Galactica meets Star Trek meets Debbie Does Dallas. You can be Starbuck and I will be Captain Kirk and figure it can take place in Texas. Don’t mess with Starfleet. Don’t Tread on Mr. Spock. Remember the Cylons. Beyond the Green Holodeck. Kinda gives new meaning to the “Captain’s Log.” “Damnit Natalie, I’m a doctor, not a contortionist!” Bow chica bow bow!

Heavy sigh.

(1970′s sitcom)
(Theme to SOAP)
Will Chester kill himself after finding Danny and Annie together in bed?
Will Burt be ambushed by his political enemies?
Was Jessica executed by the Communist firing squad?
Will Steve ever find true love?
Will Natalie ever realize her true destiny?
These questions—and many others—will be answered in the next episode of The Steven Williams Show!
(Run add for Ricearoni, the San Francisco treat)

Yes. My life is my own show. I am a star. Want my autograph?


One Response to “If your life was a TV show…”

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