vampire/werewolf vs. vampire/werewolf

Of course it is a guilty movie pleasure. If I try to explain what the movie is about, I lose most people before the first sentence is over:

Vampires and werewolves are at war with each other…


If I try and explain this movie near anyone younger than 30, the name “Edward” or “Bella” always gets blurted out. NO, I am not talking about some ‘tweeny’ book about some high school chic or some damn vegan, vampire. I mean what is that? Vampires suck people’s blood. They kill people. They are dangerous. Period.

Underworld, with Kate Beckinsale, came out a while back and it was followed with Underworld: Evolution. They are campy, weapons porn, CGI laden stories about vampires and werewolves at war, and the only real reason I like to watch them is… well…

Seriously… How could you not want to stare at that for an hour and a half? Dude, she kicks ass and takes names in a leather corset and fuck you boots. How can you not smile at that? Then, in the second movie she runs over a 900 year old vampire with a dump truck, then gets necked and has crazy vampire/werewolf sex in some dark and grungy storage unit! I mean, how hot is that? Chic’s eyes turn different colours! No it is not good writing and we are a long way from Out of Africa, but C’mon…

Hot chic with an accent wrapped up in latex and leather shooting werewolves and sucking blood? Dude you got my $14 right there.

Edward is too busy pouting and giving GQ poses. I saw both of the “Tween-light” movies, because I got drug to them by a chic. I am not impressed. I read the first book, and it’s OK, but the movie did not contain any good acting. There was no acting: It was a bunch of models voguing in designer clothes saying lines.

These are not actors, it’s a Dolce & Gabbana add…It’s 11 douche bags and token black guy. I like what Joan Rivers said about Kristen Stewart: “If you don’t like to dress up and be glamorous, you are in the wrong business.” C’mon Kristen, Avril Lavigne has made millions with the whole ‘teen angst gig,’ but even she dresses nicely and not like a 12 year old boy.

Unimpressed. Every time I have ever seen Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart, they both look like they have been smoking weed all night. Is that part of the appeal? I mean I kinda could understand cause back in the day, I really dug Linda Hamilton from the Terminator movies and I would have burned a fattie with her in a heartbeat, but she had guns! Well guns like bang, bang, but her arms? Linda was hot fit before Jillian Michaels stopped eating at Taco Bell. Know what I mean? Linda kicked Arnold’s ass.

Alright, so my guilty pleasure is the Underworld movies, but only the first two. That third one doesn’t have Kate in it, so why bother? I mean who gives a shit about a werewolf? The bollocks of it is that in real life, Kate and a guy who played a werewolf in the first movie were a couple, but Kate left him during filming for the director! Then Kate and the director made the second movie. The werewolf dude came back and made the third without Kate or the director. Love triangle, right!

Anyhow, she’s a hot tart in latex and she could kick Edward’s overexposed, brooding and self important arse.


2 Responses to “vampire/werewolf vs. vampire/werewolf”

  1. Can someone be truly a vegan if you suck blood? I think not… 😉

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